Jake..::.. Mr. Invicible
15.1 Hand Gelding
Paint / Quarter Horse? Your guess is as good as mine.
Roughly 24 Years Old
8 Years ago my father bought him for $25, with intentions for him to be a police horse
He failed, and became my Gymkhana/Barrel Horse
Now we are attempting to become Jumpers

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Happy Birthday?

Its is 11:00 right now, as I started writing this. In one hours I will be legally 21 years old. Co-workers laughed and gave me a high five hoping I have a wild crazy night tomorrow. Most say I should be excited for it, and look forward to the rest of my life. Honestly I don't feel much about it at all. I smiled and laughed with them, saying that I wasn't doing much on my birthday but had an awesome road trip planned for the weekend.  One of my co-workers brought down the thoughts that I knew were looming over my head. "You are not turning 21...What's your birthday?" She looked at me, obviously doubting my age. Which has been something people have been doing for a while now. I rarely wear make-up, if I do its more natural, I don't carry a purse, and I am stuck as braceface. Most people think I am 3 years younger than I am, and most of that is merely because of the lack of make-up and the braces. But it gets under my skin.

For most of my life I was always told I looked 2-3 years older than I was. I grew taller and matured faster than most girls and I was told I matured mentally faster as well. Yet soon as everyone started wearing make-up and dressing within style I was left behind and fell into the 'looking younger' category. I'd rather spend my days at the stables then shopping, or fooling around with friends. So I never had time to shop for myself or spend hours in front of the mirror learning to put on makeup. I had no desire to do any of it. So I didn't. I love the outdoors and working hard, I get sweaty and dirty and see no point in prettying myself up for my horses or friends who accepted me for who I was. During that time I also didn't give a crap what others thought about me and had no interest in attracting any attentions from boys.

So the habits started as the socially awkward me that didn't fit into much of any group of my peers. I still have trouble with my peers now, not really knowing how to interact. I feel like a horse that was raised by humans and then thrown out into a herd of horses. I honestly don't know how to act without my close friends. I never partied in high school, never have touched any drugs, had my first drink in college, and still have never been drunk. Do I want it? I don't know. Half of me wants more experience, I don't want to be foolish or stupid, but I'm tired of being the good girl that no one notices. I want to loosen up, be me, and have fun. I want to go to parties and have more friends and socialize. I want it so bad...I feel like I have missed out on a culture experience that I can't jump on the bandwagon now. I don't belong with religious straight side, I also don't belong with the alcoholics. I want a healthier party life, if that is remotely possible.

Another thing I lament about is my rather lack of experience with guys. Now I know I am starting to sound pathetic, but that is my point. I feel stuck in a rut of a mediocre life that I put myself into time and time again. I have never had a boyfriend, or even been on a date. Let alone never been asked out on a date by a suitable person. (Two slightly mentally handicapped boys and one guy who was two years younger than me physically and a lot more mentally). I don't believe that I am ugly, I also don't believe I am hot by any means. I am healthy weight and active. Yet still I give off bad vibes and send the men away from me, some guy friends have said I'm intimidating. I'm stronger than most girls and some guys, I can drive better than most people I know, I love the outdoors and physical sports, I'm tough and I'm not very girly. I want to go off-roading, camping, mountain biking, and paint balling. I just can't flirt or play the game. I get approach well enough a clubs to know that I'm not physically repulsive but any guy that knows me more on a normal person it goes no where. I'm in no rush to get into anything but a girl has got to worry when nothing seems to be going for her when she tries.

What have I done as my life to be worthy of living here? What I have I done to make an impact in the lives of others or with something that I can look back on when I'm older and laugh and say "Those were good times? I can't think of anything other than my horse. I want to have more to me than horses, I'm tired of being the horse girl, I don't want it anymore. I don't want out of horses but I want to be a diverse person and other people to love seeing past the horse part of me. I want life to mean something, right now my life is grey and I feel so bland. I'm not happy, sad, scared, excited, in love, heart broken...nothing. Just a great wall of bleh. 21 years of bleh. I'm not writing this for a response of pity, I'm writing this for myself, I almost want to save to drafts and never published it. But I think why not? Maybe some person, someday will come across this post that can relate and think, I'm not alone. I promise there will not be a lot of the these posts, I only turn 21 once, and feel the need to blab just now and it will be over.

Happy birthday to me.

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