Rainy Days Mirrored in Me

It pored today. My ride and day had been canceled from the moment I stirred from my sleep to hear the drip drop of rain falling from my windowsill. The sound of the wind crashing its way through the trees and rattling my windows only made me pull the covers up tighter and wish for sleep. The bed was so warm and comforting I stayed there for hours, drifting in and out of that half sleep of la la land. Mornings are hard enough for me to get out of bed for work or any thing else. Yet it was 10:30 (when I had woke up at 8:00) and I still couldn't pull myself up out of bed. I thought to my day a head, look for my missing wallet that I had already turned my house and car upside down looking for...Then, if I failed, go to my bank to try and cancel my card and order a new one....then try and somehow get money out of my account with no ID...then stop by the DMV to start the horrible process of getting a new ID. The whole task seemed so daunting that I refused to get out of bed.

 It was then I started to consider if there was something wrong with me. The sadness and frustration with a mix of lack of motivation for much of anything. Jake still needed to get out, it wasn't raining hard enough to really stop me. (It very rarely rains hard enough to stop me from going out to the stables) Even that couldn't pull me out of bed. I started considering my rather mood over the past year and something my father had said to me. We don't see each other much anymore, I do not have the time or the job flexibility to travel all the way up to visit him. So we keep in contact over the phone every couple of weeks. At the end of our conversation last night my father had asked, "Honey are you okay? You haven't been yourself the past couple of times I've talked to you...is everything alright? You seem so down." He went on to explain that I could tell him anything and I needed someone to talk to. He asked if I was getting out with my friends enough, if I was having fun...I didn't have the heart to tell him the truth so instead I told him I was just stressed and tired.

Truth is, I'm starting to wonder if I'm depressed. I had always thought that people who were truly depressed just had a form of PTSD, or were having mental issues like bipolar disorder. I never looked into it, never sought to understand. I just saw commercials and some people who said they were struggling with it. The other alternative was that people like to think they are depressed and use it as an excuse to be unmotivated in their lives. Then the medications would hopefully have a placebo effect. The more research I do, the more I find out how wrong I was. The more I find out how I fit in the categories.

My life has not been close to bad, I have never been beat or abused. I have two parents and three siblings that love me. I have a group of friends that have been with me through thick and thin that I can always rely on. I have a good job, am lucky enough to own a horse and get the privilege to go to a good university. Now why am I so down on life? I don't know. I know how lucky I am, how privileged, and how good of a life I live. Still I can't seem to pull myself up out of bed in the mornings.

My life has not been all sunshine and roses either. My parents divorced when I was one, my mom remarried when I was three, my dad when I was nine. Then my mom divorced again when I was 14, remarried when I was 18. I get along decently with my mom's third husband (J), didn't get along with her second (S) and my step mother (K) and I avoid each other when possible.  I have been in a way 'homeless' and on the edge of loosing everything. I have helped raised and cared for my three step siblings (Two Sisters : 5 and 4 Years younger than me, one brother 10 years younger than me).

Ever since my mothers second divorce from 'S' I have been the emotional caretaker. My family and I managed to live in a few family friends houses. All 5 of us would squeeze into one bedroom to live in. We did that for three months before my mother found a house for us to rent. The divorce from my father had been smooth, with them agreeing that separate would be better. The divorce between S and my mom was a brutal fight for everything. I knew of everything that went on, I saw the tears my mom shed wondering how we were going to buy clothes for school that year when S kept dragging my mom to court for every little thing, racking up the lawyer fees.

From there on I learned to be strong, if I was upset my mom would become more distraught that I knew how bad things were. So I learned to hide my own fears, and act as the strong support. I held my mom as she cried more times than I can ever count. My siblings were always easily upset when my mom is, so I had to be strong for them too. So they could see that someone had faith that we would pull through. I have stayed this person for years and years. I was my mother's personal consult, she came to me with her problems and I would listen.

Eventually I went away to college, where I became so stress out I developed IBS, I started failing classes, I couldn't concentrate, I studied and was still struggling. The more I stressed the worse my condition got...I started missing classes, missing finals because I wouldn't be able to get to school. So I learned to to turn it off, just like before. I learned to not care, soon as I stopped caring about finals and grades my IBS disappeared. Though my grades continued to stay down. So my mother pulled me back home. I was brought back into my moms shaky world with J, who had bad marriages before and was in the rut with his own kids and old wives of shouting and verbally abusing each other equally....then forgetting it the next day. My family has never worked like that, we never treat each other poorly, we very rarely yell, and we never insult or cuss at each other. We take words as they're said, and don't forget easily. It does not get washed away with a casual "I'm sorry" the next morning. J keeps trying to fight with us, my mom intervenes and so he turns on her.

Today makes the third time that my mom has given the "We might have to leave" speech to me in the past 3 years. The other two times, the kids were at S's house and I was left to pick up the pieces of my mother's broken heart. This time the kids were here, got to hear the yelling and my mom's sobs. Only this time its worse, we can't go anywhere. My mom just had a hysterectomy to remove cancerous cells from her body. She's weak and in a lot of pain. What was this fight over? The water ran cold in J's shower, he was about to go on a search to find out who was responsible for it. Our water heater sucks, everyone has to deal with cold water spots, but god forbid if you take a shower when J wants to, or turn on the washer machine, or the dishwasher....or flush a toilet. My mom managed to drag herself out of bed to stop him and to ask him to calm down and forget about it.

It ended in a huge fight, with my mom crying (she started because she was mad, the continued because she was in so much pain) I wanted to intervene to get him to leave her alone. Yet I couldn't pull myself out the door and down the stairs to confront him. I'm so afraid of making it worse for her in the end. I don't want to make it so bad that we have to leave with the condition my mom is in. I can't stand to see her so hurt, so tonight I cried with her. J left so I had to help her upstairs, give her the medication and tuck her into bed.

I can't detach myself from this...I am having trouble staying strong. Thats who I am for my family if anything, I stay strong for them. I hate myself for many reasons, I'm emotionally weak. I'm socially weak. I can't stand up to anyone, I can't ever say no, I can't put myself first. I work 37 hours a week, go to school roughly 6 hours a week, drive my siblings to school in the morning, somehow fit in taking care of Jake, then rarely get to see my friends. Next semester I will be going to school full time and commuting and hour to get there three days a week. I don't know how I'm going to organize everything.

Sorry dad, I won't be making new friends. No, I still do not have a boyfriend, or anyone asking me out on dates, no I don't go out to parties, no I don't do anything that is fun. I cry half the time when I ride, from all my frustrations, and I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I wish I had a sense of identity instead of molding to what everyone needs me to be. Who am I? I don't know, just a spineless blob of play-doh that every gets to mold as they wish.

I am so blessed, with food on the table, a roof over head and love from friends and family. I still can't get out of bed in the mornings...I'm still so tired all the time...I feel like I don't even want to see my friends anymore...Jake is the only thing that gets me out of bed by choice...not even that worked today.

I'm thirsty anyways, so bring on the rain.

Happy Birthday?

Its is 11:00 right now, as I started writing this. In one hours I will be legally 21 years old. Co-workers laughed and gave me a high five hoping I have a wild crazy night tomorrow. Most say I should be excited for it, and look forward to the rest of my life. Honestly I don't feel much about it at all. I smiled and laughed with them, saying that I wasn't doing much on my birthday but had an awesome road trip planned for the weekend.  One of my co-workers brought down the thoughts that I knew were looming over my head. "You are not turning 21...What's your birthday?" She looked at me, obviously doubting my age. Which has been something people have been doing for a while now. I rarely wear make-up, if I do its more natural, I don't carry a purse, and I am stuck as braceface. Most people think I am 3 years younger than I am, and most of that is merely because of the lack of make-up and the braces. But it gets under my skin.

For most of my life I was always told I looked 2-3 years older than I was. I grew taller and matured faster than most girls and I was told I matured mentally faster as well. Yet soon as everyone started wearing make-up and dressing within style I was left behind and fell into the 'looking younger' category. I'd rather spend my days at the stables then shopping, or fooling around with friends. So I never had time to shop for myself or spend hours in front of the mirror learning to put on makeup. I had no desire to do any of it. So I didn't. I love the outdoors and working hard, I get sweaty and dirty and see no point in prettying myself up for my horses or friends who accepted me for who I was. During that time I also didn't give a crap what others thought about me and had no interest in attracting any attentions from boys.

So the habits started as the socially awkward me that didn't fit into much of any group of my peers. I still have trouble with my peers now, not really knowing how to interact. I feel like a horse that was raised by humans and then thrown out into a herd of horses. I honestly don't know how to act without my close friends. I never partied in high school, never have touched any drugs, had my first drink in college, and still have never been drunk. Do I want it? I don't know. Half of me wants more experience, I don't want to be foolish or stupid, but I'm tired of being the good girl that no one notices. I want to loosen up, be me, and have fun. I want to go to parties and have more friends and socialize. I want it so bad...I feel like I have missed out on a culture experience that I can't jump on the bandwagon now. I don't belong with religious straight side, I also don't belong with the alcoholics. I want a healthier party life, if that is remotely possible.

Another thing I lament about is my rather lack of experience with guys. Now I know I am starting to sound pathetic, but that is my point. I feel stuck in a rut of a mediocre life that I put myself into time and time again. I have never had a boyfriend, or even been on a date. Let alone never been asked out on a date by a suitable person. (Two slightly mentally handicapped boys and one guy who was two years younger than me physically and a lot more mentally). I don't believe that I am ugly, I also don't believe I am hot by any means. I am healthy weight and active. Yet still I give off bad vibes and send the men away from me, some guy friends have said I'm intimidating. I'm stronger than most girls and some guys, I can drive better than most people I know, I love the outdoors and physical sports, I'm tough and I'm not very girly. I want to go off-roading, camping, mountain biking, and paint balling. I just can't flirt or play the game. I get approach well enough a clubs to know that I'm not physically repulsive but any guy that knows me more on a normal person it goes no where. I'm in no rush to get into anything but a girl has got to worry when nothing seems to be going for her when she tries.

What have I done as my life to be worthy of living here? What I have I done to make an impact in the lives of others or with something that I can look back on when I'm older and laugh and say "Those were good times? I can't think of anything other than my horse. I want to have more to me than horses, I'm tired of being the horse girl, I don't want it anymore. I don't want out of horses but I want to be a diverse person and other people to love seeing past the horse part of me. I want life to mean something, right now my life is grey and I feel so bland. I'm not happy, sad, scared, excited, in love, heart broken...nothing. Just a great wall of bleh. 21 years of bleh. I'm not writing this for a response of pity, I'm writing this for myself, I almost want to save to drafts and never published it. But I think why not? Maybe some person, someday will come across this post that can relate and think, I'm not alone. I promise there will not be a lot of the these posts, I only turn 21 once, and feel the need to blab just now and it will be over.

Happy birthday to me.