Happy Birthday?

Its is 11:00 right now, as I started writing this. In one hours I will be legally 21 years old. Co-workers laughed and gave me a high five hoping I have a wild crazy night tomorrow. Most say I should be excited for it, and look forward to the rest of my life. Honestly I don't feel much about it at all. I smiled and laughed with them, saying that I wasn't doing much on my birthday but had an awesome road trip planned for the weekend.  One of my co-workers brought down the thoughts that I knew were looming over my head. "You are not turning 21...What's your birthday?" She looked at me, obviously doubting my age. Which has been something people have been doing for a while now. I rarely wear make-up, if I do its more natural, I don't carry a purse, and I am stuck as braceface. Most people think I am 3 years younger than I am, and most of that is merely because of the lack of make-up and the braces. But it gets under my skin.

For most of my life I was always told I looked 2-3 years older than I was. I grew taller and matured faster than most girls and I was told I matured mentally faster as well. Yet soon as everyone started wearing make-up and dressing within style I was left behind and fell into the 'looking younger' category. I'd rather spend my days at the stables then shopping, or fooling around with friends. So I never had time to shop for myself or spend hours in front of the mirror learning to put on makeup. I had no desire to do any of it. So I didn't. I love the outdoors and working hard, I get sweaty and dirty and see no point in prettying myself up for my horses or friends who accepted me for who I was. During that time I also didn't give a crap what others thought about me and had no interest in attracting any attentions from boys.

So the habits started as the socially awkward me that didn't fit into much of any group of my peers. I still have trouble with my peers now, not really knowing how to interact. I feel like a horse that was raised by humans and then thrown out into a herd of horses. I honestly don't know how to act without my close friends. I never partied in high school, never have touched any drugs, had my first drink in college, and still have never been drunk. Do I want it? I don't know. Half of me wants more experience, I don't want to be foolish or stupid, but I'm tired of being the good girl that no one notices. I want to loosen up, be me, and have fun. I want to go to parties and have more friends and socialize. I want it so bad...I feel like I have missed out on a culture experience that I can't jump on the bandwagon now. I don't belong with religious straight side, I also don't belong with the alcoholics. I want a healthier party life, if that is remotely possible.

Another thing I lament about is my rather lack of experience with guys. Now I know I am starting to sound pathetic, but that is my point. I feel stuck in a rut of a mediocre life that I put myself into time and time again. I have never had a boyfriend, or even been on a date. Let alone never been asked out on a date by a suitable person. (Two slightly mentally handicapped boys and one guy who was two years younger than me physically and a lot more mentally). I don't believe that I am ugly, I also don't believe I am hot by any means. I am healthy weight and active. Yet still I give off bad vibes and send the men away from me, some guy friends have said I'm intimidating. I'm stronger than most girls and some guys, I can drive better than most people I know, I love the outdoors and physical sports, I'm tough and I'm not very girly. I want to go off-roading, camping, mountain biking, and paint balling. I just can't flirt or play the game. I get approach well enough a clubs to know that I'm not physically repulsive but any guy that knows me more on a normal person it goes no where. I'm in no rush to get into anything but a girl has got to worry when nothing seems to be going for her when she tries.

What have I done as my life to be worthy of living here? What I have I done to make an impact in the lives of others or with something that I can look back on when I'm older and laugh and say "Those were good times? I can't think of anything other than my horse. I want to have more to me than horses, I'm tired of being the horse girl, I don't want it anymore. I don't want out of horses but I want to be a diverse person and other people to love seeing past the horse part of me. I want life to mean something, right now my life is grey and I feel so bland. I'm not happy, sad, scared, excited, in love, heart broken...nothing. Just a great wall of bleh. 21 years of bleh. I'm not writing this for a response of pity, I'm writing this for myself, I almost want to save to drafts and never published it. But I think why not? Maybe some person, someday will come across this post that can relate and think, I'm not alone. I promise there will not be a lot of the these posts, I only turn 21 once, and feel the need to blab just now and it will be over.

Happy birthday to me.

Anxiety

A reason I started writing this blog is partially because of fear. Little over a year ago Jake flipped over a jump and came out of it very lame. The long story of that will come later. He was on stall rest for over 3.5 months before I could start turning him out, then a month later I was able to do light riding. I got him back into shape and he seemed to be doing good, till he pulled up lame again...I gave him 5 weeks off before riding again. 4 weeks later he was slightly off. He still is iffy. Most people can't even see it, its just a muscle twitch and a lack of stretching out. He's tracking up great, isn't bobbing his head. He gives a sore step every now and then when he turns but otherwise I just don't know. I'm wondering if its arthritis? Or if his sidebone is acting up?

The vet is coming out on tuesday to look at him and get his teeth done. I'm hoping she can find some answers and at least pinpoint where his pain might be coming from. I want the vet to come out sooner...I hate this waiting.

I'm afraid of the news as well, as he is 20 years old and the lameness has been recurring I am worrying that this might be the end of his riding career. It might be a point that needs light riding, which is nearly impossible to do with this horse. He doesn't do light riding that is enjoyable....going in circles in an arena can only be fun for both of us for so long and he is a monster on trails. If that time has come he has a 2 acre pasture waiting for him to live the rest of his life....but I just don't want to let him go.

The only thing constant is Velocity

Horses are always trying to preserve energy. I read that in some book when I was a kid. Most things horses do are an attempt to find comfort and relaxation. Without the influence of a person (In a large pasture/wild setting) horses do not run around working themselves....they eat, maybe buck out a few good feelings and leave it at that. They do not waste all of their energy because they need that energy to run from any potential predators. This has always made perfect logical sense to me.

That being said, when taking Jake into perspective, another connection can be made that Jake does not think like a horse. Whether this is from a nervous flaw that was taught to him by incompetent riders or if he has some neurological issues will never be known. I'm not saying this in a light hearted way. A friend of mine, who studied horse phycology, found him to be quite the case. She explained that he was fearless and had no sense of self-preservation. She showed me a few examples of other horses that had the same mentality. Trainers were frustrated with his lack of common horse sense. A vet-tech told me she would have shot him because of concerns of mental health. 

Now, reading this over some people may think that I'm some crazy suicidal idiot to ride a possibly mental horse. Jake's issues do not stem from any classic symptoms, he never would randomly freak out, never had coordination issues, never acted violent or out of the ordinary. Another one of my friends call it blind dedication. He trusts humans 100% and never doubts where they may lead him. He does not ask why, or say no. He just does. This horse would walk off the edge of a cliff without hesitation, hell he would walk into a burning building if I asked him. He would, and has done things most no other horse would do the first time they were presented with something. 

Jake Jigging at Gymkhana 2008

Another part of it is that Jake is always moving fast. His walk, whether in hand, out in the pasture or in the saddle, is moving. He uses his whole body, when he is going somewhere he is going there with a purpose no lolligaging along the way. When I first got him, if you gave him a loose rein he would keep a constant velocity, always increasing his speed until you shut him down, then it would start over again, just getting faster and faster and faster. It took me a year to teach him to not break gait, at that time he developed a running walk that made TWH owners guessing his breed. He would walk as fast as his body would possibly allow. It was a crack up, and frustrating at the same time. The trot was the same, this horse trotted with the same amount of purpose as his walk. Flipping his toes out extending his stride to his physical capacities. The canter was always the most difficult, there really enough of a difference between the canter and gallop that I could teach Jake to stay at. So it was always a fight to keep him at a decent speed.

As fun as my pedal to the floor horse was it made for horrible group rides. No one could keep up. So there was no socializing for me with other riders unless they trotted while Jake walked. It later created a lot of tension after the fun of having a hot horse wore off. I tried anything and everything to be able to enjoy a casual ride with him. It was nearly impossible when I got him. This is where our problems started, as I became a more and more aggressive rider and my frustration levels rose. Trainers weren't helping, my father wasn't helping.....and no one could find any answers.

I was told once to let him run it out, "let him figure out he's got no where to go and is just wasting his energy" so I got to the public arena when no one was there and did just that I gave him loose rein and swore that I would not be the one slowing him down. He was going to figure this out. After I warmed him up (for I knew the hell ride was coming) I gave him loose rein at a walk. That walk slowly turned into a trot, which slowly turned into a canter, which quickly turned into a batt out of hell gallop. I merely made sure that he rated enough for the turns at the end of the arena and didn't run into the fence. He did lap after lap after lap. His stamina surprised me, it seemed like forever that he was at his top speed, the world flying by when his body started slowing down. His sides were lathered in sweat, I could feel him faltering, it wasn't that he was realizing he had no purpose, his ears were still forward, and his head was bobbing as he fought against his physical limitations. He was still digging into the ground, his muscles were just failing to push as hard. Then he started tripping, glitching in his stride as he no longer had the energy to keep his body going. But he still was galloping, fighting every stride to try and go faster and faster. After almost completely going down and still going, I pulled him up. I realized he wasn't going to stop until he fell. Not till his heart gave out and he couldn't move anymore.

I never did that again. It took me over an hour to cool him out safely. I probably did 20+ laps around the arena hand walking. (Because there was no way to cool him out while you were on his back). I can say that now a lot has changed, in an arena you wouldn't notice his nature as I have figure out how to work with him instead of against him. He still walks faster than most. It has nicely into a working walk that does well for control and collection. Its all a change in how I thought....but it took me 7 years to figure it out. 

The Start of the Journey

Trying to recall this time of owning Jake is a little difficult. It was rather uneventful and not anymore unique than a girl getting to know her horse. Since Sebastian was gone I would ride Jake, cause no way was I going to stop riding. I just was going to get over my distaste for riding him. Honestly it didn't take long, soon I started to enjoy his energy, his fiery personality in the saddle that contrasted his calmness on the ground. He was easily handled on the ground, I could saddle up on my own and there was no worries of him pulling back or spooking. I gained confidence in him while Sebastian had established uncertainty. Jake was predictable, I knew what he was going to do and when.

My father started to take me to the arena for lessons in town and I started Jake on barrels. I wanted to go to rodeos and Gymkhana's. I had wanted to with Sebastian but luckily my fathers common sense over rode mine and he had wormed his way out of me going to shows with him. Jake didn't buck or spook and to my father, was a much more reasonable horse to show. So I started training, working on barrels in the only way I knew how. Occasionally I would get lessons from Helen to help point me in the right direction, but the lessons grew more and more infrequent. I spent more and more of my time cruising around the property at my dads house and starting to explore the trails that were behind. I wasn't even aloud to go far. (My father was very protective, after he watched Sebastian dump me once, and another time I came into the house saying Sebastian had bucked me off and was galloping down the road.)

Jake never said no, he would go through any water and go near anything that could be considered frightening to horse. He would barely flinch if a car back fired on the road or if a tarp flew up off the pile of wood. I believe fully that this horse gave me the confidence that I have today, he gave me a consistent start to true horse owning that I will never forget.



Now none of this was because Jake was well trained. He was far from it. He had no give to the bit, he barely neck reined, he had no other walking speed other than fast, he broke into faster gaits, he pranced and had little to no work with lateral control. He was just bomb-proof that was the only thing he had going for him. That and he was an easy handle on the ground. Somewhere here I fell in love with this horse. When I had been younger and played with friends I always wanted to have fiery, barely controllable horses that pranced and just wanted to run, snorting and I wanted everyone to know I was a great ride because I wasn't afraid. Jake was the one that fit the criteria. He was fiery and intimidating to most people, he was a horse that not everyone could ride and was flashy. He was everything I wanted.

Congratulations you traded a crazy horse....for a crazy horse?

I remember being all excited when my Dad said he had got another horse while picking me up from my mother's house. Dreams of riding through trails with my dad were getting clearer and clearer. I would ride my lanky (I thought beautiful, my dream) ex-race horse while he would ride this new horse. It would be wonderful...so I thought. I was rather blind to my fathers intentions of getting rid of my first horse. I just thought It would be a second horse for me to ride and enjoy. 

Me Riding Sebastian 2003

I have always like extravagant names for horses, Sebastian was suiting enough for my first horse. It was not a common bland name, which I always avoided. I always wanted something regal and flowing, something to put justice to the majestic beast. So when I asked my father what this new horses name was it hit me with rather bad taste.

Jake.

Who the hell names a horse Jake? (No offense for anyone who names their horse Jake...Personal preference) You name your old, cumbersome coonhound Jake. Okay so not a Storm Chaser or Flying Eagle....just Jake. No show name, no nothing. My dad goes to tell the story that an lady had owned Jake for a few years, was intimidated by him and mostly left him to be a pasture pet. She decided he could be put to good use and donated him to the mounted police unit that my father worked at, and my dad had been searching for a police horse after Sebastian had failed to make the cut. So he said he would take him, well the issue is that the Unit could not GIVE anything away, so my father jokingly said "$25" and the Unit said sure, so my father bought Jake for $25 dollars and brought him home. 

Taken within the first 3 months of owning Jake

Despite the bland name I was determined to find this amazing chestnut paint when I got home. What I saw standing next to Sebastain was a fat, stocky, minimal white paint with a crazy huge head that didn't fit his short neck tied to his body. My 13 year old mind was still full of movies of black beauty, the black stallion and national velvet. None of those movies had horses that looked like Jake. Sebastian fit the dream image more. He wasn't up to expectation.

Even though I didn't like the look of him too much I saddled him up as soon as my father would let me, watch my father take him around a few times then got on myself. I didn't like him anymore on than I did off. While Sebastian was nervous, he walked at a normal pace with long strides. Jake used every muscle in his body to walk, where ever he was pointed, he was going with a purpose. His head swung from side to side from the momentum of him walking fast, his whole body was moving from him eating up the ground at a walk. Soon as you tried to slow him up, he would fight it. I didn't like it, the fast gaits, with little breaks unsettled me. I got off and said I wanted to ride Sebastian instead. The entire time we owned both Sebastian and Jake I preferred to ride Sebastian. 

But the truth was that Sebastian had problems, now I can see he was a disaster. He most likely had bad back problems that we had thought they were attitude problems. He bucked when turned in a circle, got me off once and ran down the road before someone caught him and brought him back. Another time he spooked so hard while cantering I flew off again. Then to put the icing on the cake, at a police training Sebastian threw his head, hit my father in the head then reared up and flipped over backwards breaking my fathers leg. He was always lame after any hard work and was lame with no shoes. He pulled back when tied and overall was a bad horse for me as a 12 year old kid and my father as our first horse. As mad as I was that my dad sold Sebastian I am glad he did it now before either of us got more hurt. I later heard that Sebastian sent a girl to the hospital with a concussion after we sold him, before getting sold again. I always wondered where that poor guy ended up.

But my passion for horses would not die down with the sale of my first horse. I now had to settle for the crazy fast walking, barn sour, high energy, run himself into the ground horse that I didn't really want. But it wasn't going to stop me from riding and there is was going to start.

My mother didn't know what she started

I was about three years old when my mother gave me her old Breyer collection. She was passing on her childhood passion, little did she know that this childhood dream would turn into my lifelong passion. I don't think she intended for that happen, yet happen it did. Those poor Breyer's didn't last long before super glue was required to stop my tears from the broken legs from failing to hold my weight. My poor mother had to watch pieces get chipped off and abused as I rode the Breyers around the house.

Some could claim that horses came in my blood. My mother loved horses when she was younger and did some riding where she could. On my father's side of my family my grandmother and aunt both were horse enthusiasts. They both competed in endurance and had their share of horses. My father was raised around his mother's and sister's horses but did really get into them until I did as a way to share my passion. I never got to know my grandmother to well before she passed, I have pictures and stories from family and I wish I had got to know her better. My aunt was my idol. I have clear memories of her riding Jake, a huge smile on her face, as he power housed his way through our property right after we got him.

This was Electron, (I think) I was about 7 years old in this picture.

I managed to find my way onto a horse's back every now and then. My aunt's husband's mother owned two horses. I remember loving the calm old Magic and would have anyone lead me around, loving it. Or my father visiting friends that had horses. In any way I could I would find them, you couldn't drive down a country road without me spotting out all the horses.

Cleaning Electron's Hooves (Lesson Horse)

Then eventually I got into lessons when I was 6, and it kicked off from there. I took lessons when ever I visited my father (my parents divorced when I was one and half), so that was every two weeks. My passion grew and grew, I rode western and got into gaming and rodeo. I only got to ride once every two weeks, so I took a while to become accomplished in any skills, but as I worked my way into confidence I started to get an ego. I could handle anything and everything. I laugh now, knowing how much I didn't know....how good I thought I was. I guess that is a product of any kid in a lesson program. I would always spend extra time at the stables, cleaning and playing around. It was anything my father could do to pull me away. I am ever thankful for Helen allowing me to live in my dream life for that single day every once in a while.

Horses took over my life, I lived breathed and dreamed horses. All drawings were of horses, my thoughts were always on horses, the hoofbeats replaced the sound of my heartbeat, it was all I could do to wait for the next ride. Most people consider this as being bitten by the horse bug. I was bitten with the chronic horse bug, and its never going to go away. I still hear the hoof beats echoing in my mind, I earn for nothing more than open hills and a horse beneath me...to fly over jumps and feel the freedom of a partner that needs no words. Sometimes I hear someone say "Almost every little girl gets bitten by the horse bug, then they grow out of it." I beg to differ and say they never were bitten in the first place. Everyone can get a passion for horses, then grow out of it, just as most girls grow out of princesses and stuffed animals. If you're bit, it becomes you life, you can't live without it. Imagining my life without horses is induces a feeling of chocking and loss of breath, I'm probably past the point of being obsessed, but that isn't going to change. I have my other passions, I love snow boarding I love hanging out with my friends, I love off-roading and driving my car fast. Still, horses are in my soul, and it looks like they are never going to leave.

My first gymkhana, I was on Cinnamon, another lesson horse.

My first parade on my favorite lesson horse

To Share the Experience

As I laid in the arena, watching Jake and Dutchess nap in the sunlight, I stopped to think about the journey I had taken with this horse. I once described it to someone as a roller coaster, it had its ups and downs, and its moments of breath taking fun and the stomach dropping defeat as it spirals faster than you want it to control. As of yet no person has brought me to such extreme emotions as this horse had.

Good morning Beautiful

It was hard to believe that this horse had come from the poorly trained, crazy and unobservant creature, to the one that choose to nap by me instead of with his equine friend. Now to some, this may not be much of an accomplishment. Through the years he had been raised a pastured horse, always preferring his equine company to human, he got up from laying down if anyone got near and always walked away to lay down and roll. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy human company, he was curious enough that he would come over and see what you were doing, check out and items you may have, and may try and grab a drink from your soda. Yet it always came down to the end result, if it was a human or an equine he would always choose the equine. Now I don't expect any horse to choose me over their horse friends. Jake still would prefer to be with his horse friends, but the difference is how he acts around me. The way he perks up when he sees me come into view, how he raises his head with ears forward, how he will leave his friends to walk all the way across the arena to join me, the nickers that he occasionally gives when my car rolls into the stables. Now some people say its food, you feed grain when your there. Well honestly I feed grain at the end of the day, so I'm not too sure how he associates my car to his grain when there is  2-4 hour gap in between. I may be looking into it more than I should, but for the first time in the 8+ years I have owned him I can say that he does enjoy my company. Love is a relative subject when you think of horses to humans. I don't think Jake loves me or that he misses me when I am gone. But it makes me happy to know that he enjoys being around me.

As the elation of my realization of this change sunk in I began to think, we really have a story here. Our partnership hasn't been easy, there have been more fights than accomplishments and I can say that I have been in situations where I could have died on this horse a few times. I am going to be honest, I was a very angry person for a lot of my life and the only being that saw it was Jake, some of it isn't pretty but its time that I have come clean and look towards a new beginning. Are accomplishments are outweighing our fights, and I am no longer the rider that I was. This isn't supposed to be a magical tale of love and winning in the end, its about my change as a person and the change that was brought by a stubborn crazy horse. A horse that my dad got for $25, and a horse that I didn't want.